| 2021-07-16 01:58:03 |
Isabella: Part 1: Mom
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Dude, you do know that women don't have adams apples, right??? That's why it's called ADAMS apple... |
| 2021-07-17 00:51:20 |
Unlucky Cameron
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Excellent work so far. You could expand this more, play out the events in the scene more to get a better story, but this is excellent work! |
| 2020-02-20 03:38:18 |
Sisters in Slavery prequel chapter 01 A Master's ascension
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I love the idea, but major revisions are in order. I couldn't even get through half of the story. Contact others for help with revisions if you are not sure where to go. |
| 2020-02-20 03:50:59 |
The Gender Wars Chapter 1 Protection
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I love the premise! Each paragraph is a sentence; you could actually expand each one by including more detail. This would lengthen your story as well, which would get you better ratings and more readers. Overall, great start, but needs revision and fleshing out. |
| 2020-02-20 23:13:03 |
Good neighbourhood. Chapter 1
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I like the premise and the story, but when you say "JD was smart enough to..." or "JD noticed..." or anything in that manner it really takes away from the story. This does not need to be done because we know that when the story is from JD's point of view, that he is obviously the one that is sensing these things. Just go ahead and say what is happening. If the girl's clothes are scattered all over the floor, then she is under the covers naked. That follows based on your de***********ion. We know that JD picks up on this because the story, at this moment, is from his point of view. Eliminate the section that reference "JD observing". It will strengthen your story. |