I'm Not Your Wife, I'm Your Daughter pts 5 & 6 (revised)
by Pe@chy
Fiction, Anal, Authoritarian, Discipline, Domination/submission, Incest, Lactation, Male/Teen Female, Mind Control, Pregnant, Rape, Stockholm Syndrome, Water Sports/Pissing, Written by women
When I wake up, your cock is already inside me, thrusting away. Every. Single. Day. For the last 5 months. Any more, I just pretend I’m still sleeping until you finish, because as soon as you do, your mouth makes a beeline for my now protruding belly button. You close over it, flicking it with your tongue, suckling at it like a breast. I will never not think it’s weird. But I’ve found that if I wait until now to “wake up,” it usually cuts your suckling short. So I begin moving around.
“Mmm. Good morning baby.”
I yawn and mutter a sleepy “Mornin’” but keeping my eyes closed like I’m trying to fall back to sleep.
“C’mon sleepy head. We godda get up. The concrete guys are going to be here in a couple hours, with the lumber truck not far behind.”
You decided our first big project was to redo the balcony off our room and the patio below it. And with this baby coming before the end of the month, you wanted to get the concrete poured and all of the materials ready. I’m assuming this is going to be how you attempt to keep my mind off everything.
“Ok I’m up, I’m up.” You help me sit, then stand, and then guide me into the shower. You turn on the showerheads and the warm water causes goosebumps to cover my body. I’m letting it hit my face when I feel your arm wrap around my belly from behind. Your voice is right above my ear. “Ready?”
I turn my head in the direction of your voice and give a quick nod. And with that, you slide a large, silicone plug into my butt. This has essentially become a permanent fixture to my body ever since it dawned on you that my pussy will be off limits for at least 6 weeks after I give birth. So in order to maintain our routine, you bought me this plug to keep me prepared to take your cock in my ass at all times.
There have been other adjustments to our routine, most notable what comes next.
This started when you first decided to teach me how to suck your cock and upon doing so learned I have no gag reflex, therefore allowing you to cum directly into my stomach.
Then, one night we were watching a movie and you had to piss but didn’t want to pause it. So you made the decision to use my throat instead (this was before I wore a butt plug daily and my ass wasn’t prepared for your cock). You got off the couch, ordered me to kneel in front of you, and you pulled my mouth onto your cock to the hilt, all while never taking your eyes off the tv.
As soon as you were down my throat, you released your bladder, directly into my stomach. This took me by complete surprise, but I was honored that you chose me to serve this need, so I gladly took every last drop down my throat, thanking you when you were finished.
And this leads to where we are now. In the shower. Your cock making its way down my throat, about to give me my daily dose of daddy’s piss.
As your cock finds its destination, and I feel the warm stream begin to trickle, I do something I haven’t done in a very long time. I reminisce. And as I think back over the last 5 months, I realize something: I’ve changed. And no, not the change that happened as a result of the pellet still lodged in my arm.
After that day, I saw you in a whole new light. I not only accepted my new life, I wanted it. I was willing and eager to serve you day and night. You even gifted me with a stunning diamond ring and matching band. I haven’t taken it off since you placed it on my finger. I was so happy.
That’s how it was for the first couple months. Around the third month, it cooled down a little bit. I mean I was still willing to serve you, but a little less eager. About halfway through the fourth month, I sobbed in your arms as I confessed that there have been several times where I merely thought of asking you to not do something, or give me a break from the routine just this one time.
You took my face in your hands to look into my eyes, “thank you for telling me this baby. And look, it’s ok. You’re going through a lot of changes, your hormones are out of whack, your belly is getting bigger by the day.. I imagine that’s getting to be more uncomfortable.”
I grabbed your wrists and closed my eyes and nodded. “The important thing is that you were honest with me about these feelings, and even more so, that you knew better than to give into those feelings. I need you to stay strong for me baby girl, ok?”
That last line struck a chord when I replayed it in my head. And I swear, I heard a very distant voice desperately calling ”please!!” right at that moment. But before I could get any closer to the voice, your cock slid from my throat, pulling me back to the surface of reality.
I shake those thoughts from my mind and look up at you, “Thank you daddy.” Then grab your extended hand to stand up. I reach to your face and pull you into a long kiss, standing on my tippy toes the whole time. Then I break my lips from yours and turn to finish showering.
When I get out, I do my normal routine, but when I go to the closet, I opt for one of 2 satin maternity dresses you bought for me, reserved specifically for days like today. There will be construction crews at our house, and though my interaction will be extremely limited, a robe alone will not suffice as clothing. But I still wear one anyway over the sleeveless dress.
We sit down for breakfast and I’m oddly not that hungry. This doesn’t go unnoticed.
“Something on your mind baby girl?”
I keep my eyes down and don’t respond.
“Amelia?”
I know not to make you ask something twice, “I just don’t know how to ask what I want to ask.”
“Surely it can’t be [i[that[/i] bad honey. Just ask.”
I take a deep breath before looking up at you. “Well, when you finally walked me out to the barn a couple months ago, I noticed the stables….”
“And?”
“And I was wondering how you felt about maybe getting a couple of horses....?”
You pondered the thought for a moment. “I’ll think about it.”
You saying this made my face light up, “Really?? Oh daddy thank you!!” I get off my stool and throw my arms around your neck.
“Don’t thank me yet, that wasn’t a yes.”
“But it wasn’t a no either,” I respond teasingly before giving you a kiss on the cheek. I caught a smile you were trying to hide as I walked across the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee.
====================
The next two weeks were pretty uneventful. The construction crews had come and gone, doing their respective jobs. I had apparently started “nesting.” Which was basically just me constantly cleaning and checking, and rechecking, the birthing suite to make sure everything was in order.
Then, one afternoon, I’m sitting by the island on a barstool, leaning back on my elbows as you secure some kind of device around my ankle.
“Daddy, look at me, I’m literally about to pop any second. Where do you think I’m gonna go without you?”
“Ames, this is for your protection and you know it.”
“Right.” There was a hint of sarcasm in my voice.
You stand up towering over me, causing me to look straight up at you. You bring your hand to my face and stroke my cheek with your thumb. “You know I hate leaving you but I have to go to this business meeting. I won’t be gone long though, ok? I promise. I’ll make up some excuse to leave and come back home to you as soon as I possibly can.”
“Ok. Well, I’ll be fine, daddy. Don’t spend your whole night anxiously checking the cameras worrying about me. I’ll be on the couch the whole time snacking and watching tv.”
“I’ll never not worry about you. Especially when I’m so far away.”
I’d never admit it, but I was super anxious for you to leave too. I was every time you left, which thankfully, wasn’t much. You’re my safety, my security blanket. I needed you to be close to me at all times. But I also understood you had responsibilities you couldn’t ignore. So it was my responsibility to stay strong for you.
And once again, those words struck a chord. Stay Strong… But I quickly shook it off. I can’t handle unnecessary anxiety right now.
“You’re going to feel silly when you get back home and I’m passed out on the couch surrounded by candy wrappers.” I smile and lean up to kiss you. “Now go. Go go go. The sooner you leave the sooner you’ll get back.”
You kiss me again, and head toward the door, turning to look at me before leaving. “No popping until I get back! That’s an order!”
I give a small curtsey and in a terrible British accent respond, “Of course Your Majesty.”
====================
Part6
The rest of that night is a blur. Everything happened so fast. About an hour and a half after you left, you checked the cameras to see me doubled over from a contraction and frantically rushed back home.
I mostly remember being alone. And the pain. And then I remember you suddenly appearing at my side. And then I remember you carrying me to the bed.
I have no audible memory of that night either, not even of my own sobs.
And then you were gone.
====================
I pretended to be asleep when you got back home, which was easy to do now that I could lay on my stomach again. I didn’t know where you were going to take him, and I didn’t ask. I just wanted to sleep and forget the entire night happened. You crawled into bed and wrapped your arms around me, practically laying on top of me. You whispered a few more apologies into my ear, ending it with “I swear you’ll never do that alone again.”
Those words sunk into me and I felt a wave of hate crash over me, but then immediately dissipate. I ignored it, chalking it as a by-product of the prior events.
And then, to my shock and horror, you start very slowly grinding your hips against me, until your fully erect cock is pressing into my back. You carefully unwrap me from your arms and sit up, straddling my hips. I hear the cap open and close on the lube, followed by your hips shifting, and your cock head lining up with my asshole. You waste no time and begin pushing into me, letting out a long, satisfied sigh as your full 10 inches disappears.
You put your left hand on my hip and your right on my shoulder, squeezing both as you start thrusting in and out of me. You fuck me at a steady pace until you almost cum, at which point you stop, waiting for it to pass, before starting again. You edge yourself inside my asshole for about 15 minutes before laying down on my back with your hands hooked onto my shoulders from underneath. Your breath is hot on my ear as your breathing shortens along with your thrusts, then finally pushing your swelling cock all the way in, and unloading your balls into my guts.
After a minute, you kiss my shoulder and whisper to yourself, “god I can’t wait to put another baby in you…” Again, hate strikes the pit of my stomach like a bolt of lightning, but again, leaves just as fast. I withdraw into a dark shadow that’s clouding my mind and let sleep consume me. But just before I cross that threshold, I recognize the familiar feeling of your warm piss flooding me.
====================
The next day, I let muscle memory take over to get me through my daily routine, despite the fact that my pussy feels like a semitruck drove out of it. But as much as I’d hoped you’d let me stay in bed all day, waking up with your cock in my ass made it abundantly clear that I was still expected to continue serving you. And you really drove the point home throughout the day, by making me swallow your cock every single time you had to pee. You’ve never done that, and the fact that you chose this day to be the first time, but acted like it was the norm for us infuriated me. But I obediently obeyed every time you whipped your dick out, and obediently thanked you after.
After dinner, I was so exhausted that I asked for permission to go to bed. To my surprise, you allowed it and even followed me to the room to tuck me in. Before you left, you sat next to me on the edge of the bed, and leaned over me, supporting yourself on your hand. For the first time, you express acknowledgement of everything that’s happened over the last 24 hours,
“Tomorrow will be better baby girl.” Your gentle tone and soft whisper float into my ear and saturate my seemingly unending coldness with warmth. “And the next day will be better than that.”
I didn’t know how desperately I needed this from you, and I broke down in sobs, sitting up to throw my arms around you. I buried my face in your chest, “Please don’t leave me……please daddy…..I need you…..I need you to just stay and hold me forever….”
You hold me close with your cheek resting on top of my head, “Don’t worry baby, I will never let you go. Well, I mean I’ll have to, to get undressed. But it’ll only be for a second I promise.” We both let out a small laugh and I look up at you for a kiss, before letting go of you.
You leave your clothes in a pile on the floor, saying something about taking care of it tomorrow and you climb over me, settling on your back in the middle of the bed, slightly propped up on some pillows. You extend your arm, inviting me to come lay on your chest, which I eagerly do, and within minutes, I am falling fast asleep.
====================
No matter how hard I try, I can’t run any faster. It’s like I’m running through mud, or like I have an invisible car tied to my legs. I look behind me, terrified that I’m not going to get away fast enough. “Whatever you do, do not stop Amelia.” The voice comes from both inside and outside of me at the same time. “You’re still there. Don’t stop Amelia! Stay strong…” I hear those last two words, and suddenly, something slams against my chest knocking me flat on my back. I am being held down, but the pressure shifts and is now coming from inside. It’s growing. Faster and faster. And the pain makes me cry out. The force holding me down covers my entire body.
And then I see your face.
====================
I wake with a hard gasp and start thrashing my legs and arms against the mass on top of me. You pin my wrists to the bed and my brain finally transitions from dream to reality.
I lift my head to try to find you, “what is happening??” And I realize you’re sucking on my nipple only after you let it go.
“You’ve been tossing and turning all night. So I tried to hold you and I quickly realized that, based on the fact that you were leaking, your milk had finally come in. And considering your breasts doubled in size in just a few short hours, I don’t blame you for being so restless.”
The pressure in my boobs finally registers with me and I look down at my chest, and even in the dim glow of the TV, I can see that you’re right, they’ve doubled.
“I was just getting started but since you’re awake, you can move to your side a little so I can get more comfortable.” You get off of me and I turn my body as you continue talking. “I’ve been anxiously waiting for your milk to come in baby girl. I couldn’t wait until I was able to nurse at your breast at all hours of the day.” You finally get settled in next to me, “you’re going to be making so much milk for daddy.”
Still sort of in a daze after my dream, all I can think to say is, “Thank you daddy. I can’t wait.”
And with that, you latch on to my right breast and begin to nurse.
I did my best to forget about the dream, but part of me couldn’t shake it. The terror that consumed me when I saw your face felt so real… but why?? You are my safe space. You protect me. You’re my everything…
After about 15 or 20 minutes, you switch sides, and I was eventually able to fall back asleep.
====================
The next morning, I woke up like normal with you fucking my ass. I’m not sure how long you had already been going, but you came shortly after I woke up, never taking your eyes off my tits which had once again doubled in size with milk.
“Time to drain you again. Sit up, let daddy lay in your lap this time to see which is more comfortable.” We get situated and you start nursing, and I can actually see you this time. And a strange sense of nurturing and love run through me. I place my hand on the side of your face and stroke your cheek bone delicately with my thumb, making you softly moan. I’ve never been more in love with you than I am in this moment.
And then it hits me, a new wave of anxiety and fear. But no, I don’t want that! I want to go 30 seconds back when I was admiring the love of my life nursing at my breast! What is happening to me??
I’m snapped out of it when you sit up to switch sides, and I let out a small laugh when I look down to see my now uneven tits. “Huh. I really do have a lot of milk in there, huh?”
“It’ll do for now.” I look at you puzzled. “Daddy needs more than this baby girl. This is like a tease. We’re going to have to up your production.” You lay back down and start draining my other side as I silently wonder how exactly we are going to do that.
And it didn’t take long to find out. After we finish the remainder of our morning routine, you slide a box across the island to me while we’re eating breakfast. “What’s this?” I start to open it.
“Something I’ve been waiting months to give you.”
“It’s a….. smartwatch? But I don’t….” For some reason I can’t bring myself to finish that sentence. “Thank you, daddy. But…what’s it for?”
“Well, your body makes milk on a supply and demand basis. So, in order to significantly increase your supply, I’m going to have to demand milk frequently. I programmed this watch with reminders every 2 hours that it’s time to nurse, starting at 8am until midnight every day.
And then overnight there is a reminder scheduled for 4am. If we stick with that, you’ll be producing twice as much in no time.”
My eyes get wide. “You want me to double??” My boobs ache just thinking about it.
“You won’t even notice. I’ll be draining you every two hours for one thing, and the increase in volume isn’t going to happen overnight. So you’ll adjust to it along the way.”
I stare at the watch in my hand for a few more seconds, and finally lay it on the island between us. “I don’t-” My voice catches in my throat, “I don’t want that.”
You grab the watch with one hand and my wrist with the other, “Don’t be silly baby g-”
I rip my hand from yours, “Daddy I said no!” Your face turns to stone.
What the fuck just came over me?
“Fine.” You toss the watch across the counter top and get up to leave.
“Daddy wait I’m sorry! Daddy!!” I try to grab your arm but you twist it from my grip and leave the kitchen. I feel panicked, so I reach over and grab the watch, quickly fastening it around my wrist and then follow after you. When I reach your office the door is shut and I know better than to enter without permission, so I knock. “Daddy, I’m so sorry. Please. I don’t know what came over me. I feel like my hormones are all-”
I’m cut off by your hand suddenly around my throat, pinning me to the wall across from your office door, my feet no longer touching the ground.
“There are no excuses for disobedience!” You throw me to the side and I land in a crumpled heap on the floor, bawling. You start walking toward me, undoing your belt, and before I can get up or run away, your towering frame is picking me up by my throat again and tossing me over the edge of the footstool so my knees are still on the floor.
You pin me down with a knee across my shoulder blades and pull up my robe to expose my bare ass. And without a word, you begin whipping me with your belt, ignoring my screaming and crying. After what felt like several hours, but was probably only a few minutes, you stand up, put on your belt, and before turning to leave, say “I’ll see you in an hour.”
After several minutes, I crawl up on the footstool, curl into the fetal position and continue sobbing until I feel a vibration on my wrist, telling me its time to get up. Not wanting to find out what the punishment is for tardiness, I quickly get up and approach your office door for the second time, knocking softly.
“Right on time baby girl. C’mon.” You grab my hand and pull me into the room. I’ve seen this room from the hallway passing by on the few occasions you didn’t shut the door, but it’s just now dawning on me that I’ve never actually been inside. It’s a large room, smaller than our bedroom, but still bigger than any sane person would ever need. Off to the side is an attached bathroom, and presumably a walk-in closet.
You guide me over to one side of your large glass, L-shaped desk and before I can even speak, you pick me up by the waist and set me on top. I wince at the pain.
“Ooh. I know baby. I’ll rub some coconut oil on it tonight, ok?”
I look down at my lap, “No, it’s ok daddy. I deserved it. I lost control and you’re right, there is no excuse. Not even hormones.”
You roll up to me in your desk chair, parting my knees and lifting my legs so my feet are on either side of you. You slide your hands under my robe and around my hips and lace your fingers together over my butt.
"I’m glad you understand that. And I hope you know that I truly don't like to punish my baby girl. But daddy can't tolerate and level of disobedience from her."
I nod my head in agreement, still looking at my lap.
"You know your daddy loves you and will always do what's best for you. And you're smart baby girl. You learn quick. So, you'll never disobey me like that again, will you?"
"No, daddy, I never will. And I do know you only did it because you love me."
"Good, baby. Now come here, we have a schedule to keep." You slide my butt to the edge of the desk as I untie my robe, giving you access to my boobs and you waste no time latching on.
====================
Over the next 6 weeks, we maintain our strict routine of nursing sessions every 2 hours. We probably could've stopped in about half that time, but you decided doubling my supply wouldn't suffice. So we kept going until it tripled, effectively causing my once softball sized breasts to swell to the size of cantaloupe when full. Thankfully, this level of production was sufficient for you, and you reduced your number of sessions to 4 or 5 a day, allowing you to suckle longer and get more milk in a single sitting.
By this time, I was really enjoying our sessions and I appreciated the immense amount of work you put into upping my supply. I was truly grateful that you allowed me to nourish you with my body, and often wished our sessions would go on longer. I felt a bond with you that I couldn't describe, but it was incredibly strong. I fell deeper and deeper in love with you over those 6 weeks, so much so that seeing the ring you gave me on my finger as my hand rested on your face as you fell asleep on my breast, made me acknowledge myself as your wife for the first time. And it made me swell with pride. Serving my husband was the only thing I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
I even told you this the next morning after you finished draining me. And you kissed me and told me how happy I've made you the entire time you made love to me, something you never do when fucking my ass.
And then one morning, you suckled on my nipples so hard, I thought you were going to suck them clean off my body. You didn't even finish draining either of them before you climbed in between my legs.
"I'll finish those later. I can't wait."
"What’s the big rush daddy?? Wait for what?"
"It's time to put another baby in my wife." And with that you plunge your cock straight into my pussy all the way up to my cervix causing me to gasp. You pause for a moment and shudder before lowering yourself to me and hooking your hands up under my shoulders. You grip me tight and pull my body down into the final thrust of your hips, and my vision goes white.
The pain is excruciating and I start begging you to pull out, but you leave all 10 inches of your cock buried deep inside me, the first few inches stretching out my cervix.
"Daddy please please!!! I can't take it daddy!!"
And then what you do next sends a lightning fast memory through my mind. I honestly wasn't even sure it was real.
You cover my mouth and start whispering, "Shh shh baby girl....daddy needs this...it's ok....you can take it...god dammit....fuck...oh god I'm cumming!!!!" And sure enough, without even stroking, I feel the familiar pulsing of your cock pumping rope after rope after rope of cum into my uterus.
You would think that orgasm would've drained the life out of you, the way you were choking on your own air. But to my surprise, you left your cock firmly planted in my cervix.
"Daddy, this is really painf-"
You cut me off with your hands around my throat and starting short but powerful thrusts of your hips. Only pulling out just enough so your cock head remains in the small opening leading to my uterus. You have that familiar animalistic look in your eye.
"I will fuck you until you have my baby growing in your belly again, got it?? Daddy wants a pregnant wife. And you will give daddy what he wants" You hold your last thrust all the way in and your voice catches again for a brief moment as you shoot another load into me. But after a few seconds you start again, lowering your face a bit closer to mine.
"Your purpose is to serve your husband. Isn't a little bit of pain worth making me happy??"
I'm desperately gasping for air at this point. But you continue to hold my throat as you slam harder and faster into me. And right as my eyes roll back, you release my throat and move to my waist to slam your final few thrusts into me, followed by your 3rd and final load of cum, completely ignoring my coughing and labored breaths.
You collapse on top of me and catch your breath, but don't pull out your cock until you move back to my side to finish draining the milk from my tits.
"You're lucky I can't do this while I'm fucking you, otherwise I'd still be in your pussy, recharging for my next round."
I look at you puzzled, "lucky? You have no idea how badly I want you to be able to make love to me while you nurse..." I put your arm under your head and pull you closer to me and you latch on to my nipple. "And to answer your question, yes, the pain is worth it. I didn't realize how badly you want to get me pregnant again, and you're absolutely insane if you think for a second that I want to do anything other than give you everything you want."
You squeeze my ribs at those words and continue draining. I close my eyes and relax but my mind is quickly drawn to the memory that flashed through my brain when you covered my mouth. What was that? Why is it still sticking with me? It’s like a memory or something, but I can’t see it clearly in my mind. All I know is that it makes me very uncomfortable.
Because that's what he did the first two times he raped you.
The words shot through me like a bolt of lightning and I pushed you away ripping my nipple from your mouth.
Before you can even speak, I immediately cover my tracks, "oh my god. I am so sorry daddy. I was starting to doze back off and had one of those weird falling dreams. I pushed my arms out to break my fall...."
"Yeah....I hate when that happens." There's a slight suspicion in your voice. "Well c'mon, I need to finish the other side."
“Right.” I slide back over to you, giving you my other boob as quickly as possible so you don't notice anything I might fail at hiding.
It's not possible. My daddy would never rape me. He's my husband. And wives can't be raped by their husbands. And he loves me. I have to talk to him about this. He'll know exactly what to say to make me feel better. This is probably just that postpartum depression he told me about...
====================
We make our way into the shower and I get on my knees to wait for you as you turn on the warm water. Your cock, having never gone completely flaccid after fucking me, easily penetrates the depths of my throat. You release your stream, and I begin swallowing, something I trained myself to do since you first pissed into my stomach a few months ago. You moan as my throat muscles massage up and down your shaft.
You finish and slide out of my throat, waiting for me to thank you before offering your hand to pull me up. I made the mistake once of reaching for your hand before saying it and you slapped me, telling me that I am to say thank you before anything else, because you always want me to know exactly what I'm thanking you for.
"Thank you, daddy." You extend your hand. "It is my pleasure baby girl."
I move under the water, getting my hair wet. "Hey, daddy? What all can you tell me about postpartum depression?"
"What do you mean baby? Is something wrong?"
"I don't know.... I've just been having, like bad dreams recently and strange thoughts and feelings- "
"What kind of thoughts and feelings?" Your face looks serious, almost concerned, but not for me, for something else.
"Well, they're all related to my dreams and I try to ign- "
"What kind of dreams are you having??" Your concern increasing. I stare at the floor between us for a moment.
"I don't want to tell you because I don't want you to get mad at me..."
"Well now I'm going to get mad if you don't tell me."
I was still staring at the ground, "I dreamed that you were..... raping me. And that you're keeping me prisoner...."
After a few moments of no response, I slowly look up at you. You're resting your chin on your thumb and forefinger, with that same elbow being supported by your other arm held across your chest. You're staring at me, and thinking, though I'm not sure about what. And then finally you speak.
"Postpartum is a helluva condition, Ames. Let me ask you this, how do those dreams make you feel?"
Your tone is neutral, almost empathetic, but your eyes are piercing and intense, waiting to calculate my response.
"They scare me. Because I know they're wrong, but they still give me anxiety. And I don't know why."
"Do you feel like a prisoner, Amelia?"
You barely finish before I respond, "No! Of course not daddy! I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And I never feel safer than I do when I'm in your arms."
"And do you ever feel like you are being raped when I make love to you?"
"Daddy of course not. A husband can't rape his wife."
"Exactly. That's like accusing me of taking what's already mine. So, here's what I think: I think you're actually experiencing anxiety because you feel like your postpartum depression might interfere with your routine or obedience. And that anxiety is just manifesting in the form of bad dreams. Because we obviously can’t control our dreams, and our subconscious can be funny sometimes."
"Yeah…that makes a lot of sense. I’m sure you’re right. Thank you, daddy.”
I turn around and finish my shower without saying anything else. But I do ponder your response. Something about this doesn’t feel right but I do my best to brush it off and not overthink everything.
After the shower, you come up behind me while I’m sitting at my make-up desk getting ready for the day. You put your hands on the edge of the desk on either side of me and lean down to kiss my neck a few times before speaking softly right in my ear.
“I want you to tell me any time you have thoughts like that, ok?”
“Mm hmm.” That’s all I can bring myself to say as I’m sitting here with my eyes closed, leaning into you, getting lost in the sensuality of this moment.
“I need you, baby. And I can’t lose you, like…”
My eyes shoot open and a pain that I haven’t felt in a very long time rips through my chest. You’ve never talked about her to me. Your first wife. My mother…
I asked you about her once when I was little, and all you said was that some kids have both a mommy and a daddy, while some kids have just a mommy and others have just a daddy.
When I was a little older, you eventually told me that she killed herself, but never went into details. Today is the first time you’ve ever even implied it was related to postpartum.
I spun around on my stool to face you, tears forming in my eyes and I take your face in my hands. “You won’t lose me. Ok? I’m here, with you. And I always will be.” I keep my eyes locked on yours, and what I say next I say without a thought, seeing the pain in your eyes. “But daddy, maybe risking another pregnancy this soon isn’t worth it? Let’s wait a year, maybe. Let this-”
“There’s nothing to worry about as long as you always talk to me. That was her ultimate undoing. She hid things from me.”
I know you think what you said was some sort of consolation, but something about the way you said it only made me question things more. However, I had very little time to think before you were carrying me back to the bed, your erection growing again.
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