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Tuesday, 9/17

Dear diary,

;tldr: Ethan Greenburg is a fucking loser. I guess it's good I'm finally realizing this now before he managed to knock me up or worse -- marry me. He shows up last night; drunk off his ass past 3am, crashing and banging his way up the stairs, so I get up and he's sprawled out on the couch with all of his shit laying around, and I'm like WHAT THE FUCK ETHAN?!

I'd give you three guesses diary, but you'd get it in one because you've heard this story before; his roommates kicked him out, which, I explained to him for the umpteenth time is what happens when you lose your job and stop paying rent and lay around drunk all day not looking for a new one.

He's all, I love you girl I just need your couch for a few days blah blah, and he takes my hand, and usually I'm like.. well you know, I used to think he was hot, but this time.. yeah not so much. Like he touched me, and I didn't go all melty. Not because I was mad, which I was, and not because I tried not to feel anything, but yeah, it was like I'd suddenly developed an immunity to his bullshit. So I try to pull my hand away and he wont let go. You know how he doesn't squeeze or anything he just, holds on, and I look at him, and he comes at me with those lusty drunk badboy eyes..

So I pretty much fell to my knees and sucked him off.

But wait, it's not what you think. Let me explain about this new kid at work and I'll circle back to the blowjob. I think the reason I'm feeling different about Ethan has something to do with this new kid, well, not him directly but my reaction to his reaction to me.. ok.. Let me back up.

So there's this new kid. Hayden or Jayden or Aden? Whatever, they're all equally dumb fucking names. I think he's literally 19 years old. He did the over-achiever highschool nerd thing and bypassed college; went straight to one of the hacker bootcamps. Anyway he's white and young and a boy, and he wears hoodies and speaks Golang so of course we hired him. Anyway I got stuck pair-programming with him the other day and we're right in the midst of figuring out this data structure when he asks me out. Yes, on a date. Blurts it out like zomgDoYouWannaHaveCoffeeWithMe xoxo love hay-jay-ayden.

I mean, ok it was kind of cute, but really poorly fucking timed. I was not in the right frame of mind, and it basically pissed me off. I guess it felt like here I was trying to be little-miss hot-shit mentor (because I'm the ancient 25 year old here), and the whole time all he's thinking about is getting in my pants?! Anyway I kind of lost my shit at him. I was like for real femboi? I didn't even think you liked girls. You know I'm a girl right? Because I mean jesus christ, you're fucking prettier than I am. Anyway yeah, I said a bunch of stuff, and then told him go fuck yourself because you ain't fuckin this until you grow some pubic hair and also a fucking pair of nuts kid.

Anyway he's CRUSHED. I mean it was as if his entire reproductive future was at stake and I just shut him the fuck down. Like every baby he ever imagined fathering I had just stabbed in the face or something. Anyway I felt bad like right then, at that moment, and I told him to take 5 so he could go hug himself and cry in the bathroom or whatever, and I figured while he was doing that I'd come up with some pretense for us to call it a day, but then I walked by the nap rooms on the way to get some coffee, and I heard him. He was ACTUALLY crying. Like ACTUAL tears. Sobs even. I peeked in (couldn't resist), and he saw me! and he turned like beet red and ran out and into the stairwell and went home. He WENT HOME!

I've never made a boy cry before. I mean I don't think I've ever made anyone cry before. And I guess I know I should feel bad, but between you and me? It felt amazing. And not just amazing, it felt... sexual. Like viscerally sexual. I felt like... I dunno, a grown-up I guess? A real person for once. A person who could throw a punch, and hurt somebody and be OK with that. It made me want to fuck and eat a cheeseburger in no particular order.

Anyway since then Ethan has been looking a little.. I dunno man-boy to me. The shit I used to think was confidence now seems like lazyness, his bravado seems like dim-wittedness. I know he hasn't changed. It's the same him, the same shit, but I'm different now. It feels dissonant; frightening. Like I thought I knew what I wanted, and it wore a leather jacket and smelled like engine-oil and booze, and rode motorcycles with a devil-may-care attitude, and bent me over those motorcycles and fucked me with that same devil-may-care attitude. But now it all just seems a little... adolescent. Small. Ethan, me, all of it.

So when he held on to my wrist with that shark-tooth grin, all fucking drunk and stanky, not letting me go until he got what he wanted.. I think I wanted to feel that again. I wanted to feel.. smaller. I wanted to feel like everything was normal, and Ethan knew what he was doing, and what he was doing was my mouth. So I dropped to my knees, and nuzzled into his crotch. I felt him go hard as I unzipped him and fished out his cock. I spit on it, how he likes, and ticked his nuts, and as I start working him up and down -- like REALLY goin at it, moaning like a little bitch at 3am, sloppy spit noises the whole shit -- I feel him start to lean over, and I'm like cool that's different, something new is about to happen so I look up and that motherfucker passed out on the armrest.

So I drug all his shit out to the curb. Far enough that he'd have to let the steel security door close in the morning when he went to get it. Then I took his key to my apartment off his keyring, and went to bed. He was still asleep with his limp-ass wang hanging out when I left for work. If he locks himself out like a dumbfuck it's over.

And I have no doubt he'll lock himself out, because he IS a dumbfuck.

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