"If it's the last thing I do I'm gonna hunt her and her evil sister down and torture them both for days and then I'll kill them. Maybe I'll beat them first, nah, skin them alive and rub salt in the wounds. Why!! Why can't those two crazy bitches just leave me alone?"
I'm Gonna Kill Her
"Billy. Hey, Billy, you home?"
"Don't come in here Jack. Just stay outside, please."
Please? Billy never says please. That was Tom, whispering. Three of us stood on Billy's porch, not sure what to do. We could hear Billy muttering something but it made no sense.
Man, you can't ignore a crash. Billy is our friend. So in the three of us went.
Oh shit. Don't laugh, don't laugh, oh god .... and all three of us were on the floor, gasping for breath, unable to stop shrieking with laughter.
Billy lay there, not making a sound. We finally pulled ourselves together.
"Sorry Billy, really sorry man, it just caught us off guard. You know we love you man. Oh god" and off we went again.
We finally calmed down enough to untie Billy from the chair. That must have been the crash, the chair tipping over. But Billy, our bud, oh man. Billy just lay there, glaring at us, not making a sound.
"Billy, who did this to you? It's really bad man. We'll help you kick their ass, we swear man. Whoever did this is evil."
And we all really meant it, even if Billy didn't believe us because it might be hard to take us serious when we couldn't stop snickering while we said it.
Billy had no hair. I mean none, not a bit. We could see hair all over the floor but none of it was on Billy any more. And we had to stop looking at him because every time one of us did it ruined any attempt to take it seriously, because Billy's balls were purple, I mean bright purple but that wasn't what we couldn't keep our eye off of. Billy's cock looked like a barber pole, red and white stripes from the base to the tip and the tip was bright red and his cock was all stiff because of some ring at the base of it and.....off we went again.
Finally, we couldn't laugh any more and Billy just lay there, not saying anything but it sounded like he was whispering and so we stopped making noise and listened real close.
"I'm gonna kill those bitches. I'm gonna find her and her sister and cut them up in little pieces and kill them."
Oh crap, Nadine and her sister Cheryl. They were at it again. I almost wish Billy had taken our advice and left town after the divorce. For almost a year now Billy and Nadine had been at war. She keyed his truck, he put rotten fish in her car and house. She broke his windows, he poured thirty gallons of sewage in her bedroom, and on it went. But until now they had never touched each other. Oh man, this was really bad. Billy could be seriously mean if he wanted to. We all remembered when Nadine's drunk daddy went after Billy when they were in the eighth grade. He was a big man, and a mean drunk. He must have outweighed Billy by fifty pounds. Billy took a hunk of 2x4 and broke his knee. He told him if he ever beat Nadine again he'd rip out his tongue. Nadine's daddy left town when he got out of the hospital. Nobody ever messed with Billy again and Nadine was in love.
Billy is a good mechanic, like his dad and uncle, and after they graduated from high school Billy married Nadine and went to work. Billy worked hard to give Nadine anything she wanted and after their little girl was born he worked even harder. That's when the problems started. Billy was working so hard Nadine was feeling left out and when she complained to Billy he told her he had to work for her and the baby. Nadine was too young to understand that Billy was building their future. She wanted fun now. So she went out and got it. She started going to the dance hall with her sister. Trouble was, Cheryl was a year older and single and a bit wild. She convinced Nadine it was ok to drink and dance and flirt as long as she didn't fuck some other man.
Billy had worked some overtime to buy Nadine the new big screen tv she wanted for her birthday. When he brought it in the house his wife wasn't home. The babysitter told Billy that Nadine and Cheryl left after dinner and went dancing. Billy drove to the dance hall. The timing was just plain wrong. Billy saw some guy dancing with his wife, his hands all over her ass and just as he started after them the guy kissed Nadine and sadly, she kissed him back. Billy walked right up to them, slammed a fist into the guys temple and he went down like a broke axle. He didn't say a single word to anyone, just turned and walked out. Nadine ran after him, begging him to stop but he got in his truck and drove off. He didn't come home for three days and after that he still wouldn't talk to her. He got up early, showered, dressed, and left for work. He didn't come home until almost ten every night and went straight to bed. After a couple of months of that Nadine was going crazy.
Guess it was Cheryl that screwed everything up. Billy came home one night and Nadine and the baby were gone. Billy never said a thing, just got up and went to work, seven days a week.
A few months later Nadine filed for divorce, claiming Billy committed adultery. She had a paper signed by some woman saying she and Billy had been screwing for four months. Billy said nothing and did nothing so when it went to the judge. He read all the papers, looked at Billy and asked "Any of this shit true Billy?". Billy took care of the judges cars and the judge liked him. Billy just stared at the judge and he sighed, "Didn't think so but since you have no proof and I have a signed paper ain't nothin' I can do".
Billy ended up with nothing, except work. I guess Nadine was just plain pissed that Billy ruined their life together. She started it. Every time she did something to make Billy angry he just waited a while and struck back. The local sheriff was trying his best to stay out of their little war but Cheryl kept filing complaints and Billy just said nothing.
But now Billy was talking, well, whispering mostly and we listened and we got a little scared. We think Billy snapped inside his head. We got Billy cleaned up as best we could and cleaned up his house. I told Tom to hustle on over to Cheryl's and tell the girls they better run and hide for a while because they went too far and Billy was talking and the talk was very bad, for them.
But nothing happened. Billy went back to work. Billy's uncle told Cheryl that if she or Nadine said or did anything to hurt Billy he was going to burn their house down with them in it. Since Billy's uncle was meaner than Billy they realized they screwed up bad and stayed away from all of them. Billy only worked six days a week now. On Sunday he would get in his truck and go away. We had no idea where. The three of us tried following him a couple of times but you can't catch Billy's truck on the open road.
Cheryl disappeared first. One day she just wasn't there. Nadine said she saw her sister Saturday night at the dance hall and on Sunday she was just gone. Heck, every once in a while Cheryl would find a new man and disappear for days at a time. The sheriff did talk to Billy and his uncle and his dad but nothing came of it. Two days later Nadine disappeared. Good thing the baby girl was at grandma's house. We all wondered if Billy had done it - you know, what he whispered. We were all a bit afraid now. I talked to Billy's dad and he just said to stop worrying because Billy was a good boy.
Sunday morning came. Billy's dad called me and said everyone should get a little religion and be in church. Our church isn't that big, might hold a hundred or so and it was just plain packed and all abuzz because Nadine and Cheryl were in the front pew, just sitting there all quiet. They looked fine but when I tried to talk to Nadine she shushed me and told me to just sit down.
The preacher had the biggest grin. He thanked everyone for showing up and said he hadn't seen this big a crowd since the mayors wife had twins in church. The preacher said we had a visitor who had something to say. Never seen the woman before. She said she was the one who signed the paper about Billy and her and she was sorry because it was all a lie. She didn't even know Billy. She said Cheryl paid her a hundred bucks to sign it. After she had her say she left but she did tell Billy she was really sorry.
It was quiet after she finished talking. All of a sudden Cheryl sort of groaned and said 'oh god oh god ooohhhhhhhhh ggggoooooooodd' and she sort of wiggled around but she didn't get up. Right after that Nadine whimpered and said 'nooo, please, not in church, nnooooooooo' and she wiggled some but she didn't get up either.
The preacher just stood there. Then both Cheryl and Nadine started shaking and moaning and then they both screamed real loud and sort of slumped over. Doc went right up to check up on them. First thing he said was 'well I'll be damned. No wonder they can't move'. The sheriff went up to take a look. Seems Cheryl and Nadine had a wide leather strap across their lap, under their blouse but on top of their skirt, and it was bolted to the pew. The couldn't move if they wanted to. The sheriff looked at the straps and said it was a good job and it would take some tools to get them loose. While he was talking both girls started moaning again and then screaming and shaking a lot. They stopped real sudden and just sat there, sweat pouring off their faces but they didn't say a word. The preacher told everyone to sit where they could and rejoice that the two lost sheep had been found. He talked a bit about honesty and trust and caring about each other. He said sometimes when folks can't figure out how to talk to each other they should find someone who can help. Then he told everyone to go on home and the sheriff could find some tools and cut the girls loose.
Billy had been standing at the back of the church all this time, as usual saying nothing. As folks were filing out of the church Cheryl and Nadine started moaning and screaming again. I was watching Billy's face. Closest thing I've seen to a grin on Billy. Then he turned and walked off, got in his truck and drove away.
The three of us went over to Cheryl's house later. She was laying on the couch and said she was sorry for the way she treated Billy and she just wanted to be left alone. She said Nadine was over at Billy's grandmas house with the baby and she wasn't going to be living with her any more. So we wandered over to grandma's house. I know, we're nosey but darn it, we wanted to know what was going on. Nadine turned six shades of red when we showed up at grandmas. She tried to shoo us off but we all grew up together and she knew she couldn't keep us away forever. Nadine said Billy had been using his Sundays to track down the woman who lied about him. When he found her he made her tell the judge the truth. He took Nadine and got the truth from her and then he got her and took both of them to the judge. The judge told Billy he could have all three of the women in jail if that's what he wanted. Billy said no to that and told the judge what he was going to do and the judge told Cheryl and Nadine to do exactly what Billy said or they would go to jail.
That was all fine and I told Nadine we got that but what about all the screaming and wiggling in church. Nadine turned six more shades of red and said Billy bought some kind of electronic buzzers and he put them in places in her and Cheryl they had never put things like that in and he kept turning them on and off and she found out those buzzers really made you jump and holler. Grandma finally told us to quit laughing or get out, so we got out.
We all figured Billy and Nadine would get back together after that but it didn't happen. Billy did tell me once that he felt bad for not talking to Nadine more but he wasn't going to be married to a woman who didn't trust him to keep his pecker in his pants.
Oh, doc told Billy the india ink the girls used on him would wear off in a year or two. Once the word got out about Billy's barber pole cock and bright purple balls a lot of girls in the county kept Billy too busy to work more than five days a week.
Cheryl got married and I guess she isn't so wild any more but Tom is real careful not to make her too mad. Nadine still lives with grandma and her little girl is a real cutie. Billy comes over a lot to visit his grandma and play with his daughter. Nadine told me she crys once in a while because she misses Billy.
I'm courtin' the preachers daughter. She's a good woman and easy going. Last night she did say she found out where Billy got those buzzers .... oh my.