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Introduction:

Its 0 BC Nozzer chats to his mates, Julie, Mark-Anthony, Benner and Michael Angelo before having a bunk up with an ex Vestal Virgin. Humour well its supposed to be.
Ancient Rome, about 0 BC

“Oi Nozzer, what you at mate?” Mark Anthony shouted above the clamour of a busy Rome morning.

“Off down the Colloseum Tone,” Nostradamous replied, “They got some new Gaulish Mead and a new batch of Angle slaves.”

“Sounds good, I’ll tell Julie,” Mark Anthony replied.

“Call me Julie again and your head will join those of the Huns on the spikes above the city gates,” Julius Ceasar chipped in.

“All right keep your crown on,” Mark Anthony replied, “Do you reckon they got any virgins Nozzer?”

“Six weeks in a boat with a bunch of randy Oarsmen, I don’t think so,” Nozzer replied, “More like Oars, anyway the came from what the Angles call “Es Sex” what ever that is.”

“Right,” Mark Anthony agreed.

“Anyway I thought you had a regular bunk up with Cleo?” Nozzer continued.

“Oh yeah, great, great compexion, great in the sack but she bathes in donkey milk and stinks like a bloody donkey,” Mark Anthony replied.

“Can’t have it all,” Nozzer laughed, “See you later right?”

Nozzer called in on his mate Michael Angelo on his way to the Colloseum, “Mikey how you doing mate?” he called.

High above the floor of the Sistine Chapel Mikey was lying on a scaffold board having a kip and sleping off a heavy night on the mead and ale.

“Diminu - bloody - endo,” Mikey replied, “Keep the racket down. Me heads splitting mate.”

“It’s the paint mate, you want to use lead not cow dung,” Nozzer suggested, “Anyway it was only supposed to take a week, two coats of briliant white they said.”

“Mate, they are paying by the day and they like my graffiti,” Mikey explained, “Money for old rope like.”

“All right for some,” Nozzer replied, “You hear about Pisa Lighthouse?”

“Every fucking body heard about Pisa lighthouse, started keeling over so they put a twist in it,” Mikey sighed, “Just fuck off and do some Philosopherising or what ever it is you do.”

“Charming,” Nozzer agreed, “Fuck you too.”

The Colloseum was busy, every cunt and his mate was there eyeing up the new slaves.

Some was naked, the Angles and Gauls was so pale they needed browning up to be fanciable, but the Arabians had to be kept under cover or they blacked up, most was shackled together but some was in individual wooden cages.

“What’s the point of that?” Nozzer asked some random bloke.

“From Greece, fucking Lesbos,” he said.

“From Lesbos or are they Lesbo’s?” Nozzer asked.

“Twat,” the bloke answered, “Anyway what can I do you for?”

“Oh a nice bird, say twenty one, blonde, big melons,” Nozzer replied.

“How much you got?” the bloke queried.

“Fifty, fifty five at a push,” Nozzer offered.

“Well you can have her,” he pointed to a beautiful Angle angel, “From Wessex, beautiful girl, fucks like an angel,” he taunted, “For one hour for fifty.”

“I want’s a house slave,” Nozzer explained.

“For fucking fifty, you wanna get real mate,” the bloke replied, “You can have her mum,” he said pointing to a wrinkled old hag.

“Nah, rather fuck a camel,” Nozzer admitted.

“Make up yer mind, tart or scrubber, cleaner.” the bloke sighed exasperated.

“Bit of both,” Nozzer replied.

“That’s a fucking wife, don’t go there mate they’re trouble,” the bloke advised before he saw some other mug and fucked off to con him instead.

Nozzer wandered off, “Houseboy sir?” some woman hollered, pointing at half a dozen naked blokes tied up in a pen.

Nozzer looked up, “Hung like Donkeys,” she said.

“Looks like you been taking advantage,” Nozzer quipped.

“Every half hour, come and see the show,” she offered.

“For fucks sake!” Nozzer sighed, “I ent fucking Greek!”

“No?” says the woman as she grabs the nearest slave’s cock and starts wanking it, “You sure?”

“Absolutely,” Nozzzer says.

“Then why you getting a hard on?” she asked, “You want me to wank your little cock instead?” she asked.

Nozzer looked down at his Toga, it was like a Tent pole was pushing it out, “Fuck!” he said out loud.

The woman suddenly left her slave and stuck her hand up Nozzer’s Toga. He wished he had put on clean pants but they was in the wash so he had come out without any.

“Ooooh you are a big boy,” she cooed, “Five Sirstes to make you cum or I’ll rip it out by the roots for free.”

Nozzer liked it rough, “Rip it out by the roots,” he requested, “Please.”

She dropped him like a shot, “Fuck off pervert!” she said abruptly.

“Me a fucking perv?” he snapped, “Its you what fucks slaves in public ten times a day!”

“Twenty on a good day,” she smiled.

Nozzer shook his head and went round to see the animals. Andreas the Lion Tamer was looking worried.

“Wazzup Andy,” Nozzer queried.

“Fucking Gaul bit Leo,” he said pointing to one of his lions feet, “Gone septic, look.”

Nozzer was stupid but not stuid enough to get in a Lions cage to look at an infected foot at Lion’s lunch time, which was basically any time a Lion wasn’t actually a kip.

“Looks bad,” Nozzer agreed.

“Poor bugger’s off his feed look.” Andy qipped pointing at an old Phoenician couple liberally coated with Tomato sauce cowering naked at the back of the cage.

“You’ll have to get a new one I reckon,” Nozzer said unhelpfully.

“Oh great help,” Andy replied.

“What odds on him winning Friday?” Nozzer asked.

Andy had a think and then said “If its Christians again it’s a dead cert but Gauls, I reckon old Leo will run a bloody leage.”

Nozzer nodded and went to check out the Chariots for Saturdays race. His mate Benner was working on his two horse chariot carefully adjusting the tracking by walloping the wooden axle as hard as he could with a huge mallet.

“Fucks sake Benner you’ll bust it mate,” Nozzer cautioned

“I don’t fucking care if I do,” Benner cursed, “Fucking understeers on the entry to Lesmo 1 then oversteers on way out.”

“Too much fucking information,” Nozzer suggested, “See yah.”

Nozzer was bored, he worked nights working out the future from the stars, it wasn’t a bad job, lie on the roof for a few minutes a couple of times a month and dream up some load of bolloks to tell the twats down the Senate. Writing it up was the worst, three scrolls all the same for different departments. Anyroad it beat Lion Taming and being a Gladiator.

He wandered up the Temple of Vesta to have a bit of banter with the “Vestal Virgins.”

There was a bit of a kerfuffle. Some bird was getting chucked out of a a side door. Nozzer recognised her, she used to live near his gaff, her dad was summat in the Senate.

Nozzer wandered up to stick his beak in, “Analise?” he queried.

“Fuck off pervert,” she replied sharply, before she recognised him. “Oh sorry, you’re Nostradamus ain’t you?”

“Yes, call me Nozzer,” he replied helpfully.

“Bloody bitches have chucked me out, me dad will have a fit,” she stormed.

“But why?” Nozzer asked.

“Do I have to draw a picture?” she snapped, “They want Virgins.”

“Oh,” Nozzer said awkwardly.

“I was having a crafty wank and got carried away,” she said.

“You are Analise?” he enquired.

“Yes, sorry, they call me Swan Vesta in the Temple, I thought you were after anal,” she replied.

“I shouldn’t mind as it happens,” Nozzer replied.

“Well forget it,” she snapped, “Oh fuck now what do I do, Dad’ll go mad.”

“Lie low for a bit?” Nozzer suggested, “You can kip round my gaff if you like.”

“In your bed?” she asked.

“If you like,” he smiled.

“And if I don’t?” she asked

“You can sleep on the floor after I fucked you?” he ventured.

“Oh well beggars can’t be choosers,” she said happily as she gathered up her meagre belongings, “Lead on.”

Nozzer was gob smacked, usually he paid a few Sirstes for a bunk up with a slave and got tod to fuck off by free women but suddenly here was a bird what was up for it. He should have sensed a trap but his brain was definitely switched off and his bollocks firmly in control.

“Failed monthly inspection, said me Hymen was bust,” Analise explained, “Anyway what were you doing here?”

“Bored, I was looking for house slave to keep the house clean and that.” he explained.

“And that?” she asked.

“That,” he agreed.

“Sounds like you need a wife,” she suggested.

“Right, so where do I find a wife?” he asked.

“Are you blind or just stupid?” Analise asked.

“Oh, look I didn’t mean,” Nozzer said.

“Yes of course I will!” Analise gasped and kissed Nozzer on the cheek.

Nozzer was shocked, “Look” he said.

“Oh, lets get round your place and consumate it!” Analise taunted.

Nozzer warmed to the idea. Analise offered up a silent prayer, Nozzer wasn’t the best catch but his bed beat sleeping on the cobblestones of the Autostrada.

In just a few minutes they were in Nozzer’s gaff. Analise gritted her teeth and slipped off her toga.

“Do you like what you see?” she simpered.

“Uh?” Hozzer replied but his cock spoke for him.

“Oh you are a big boy,” Analise exclaimed as she saw the front of his toga rise propelled by his knob end, she had serious doubts that something that big would actually fit inside her.

She sat on the edge of the table, spread her legs, closed her eyes and dreamed some beautiful gladiator was about to spear her.

“Oh Annie you’re so beautiful,” he husked and kissed her forehead.

Her pussy began to feel moist. She kept her eyes tightly closed so she didn’t have to look at Nozzer’s ugly mug, “Do it!” she husked.

A searing pain wracked her mind as Nozzer brutally shoved his meat into her soft yielding pussy, “Awww, that fucking hurt!” she railed.

“Tis done now my love,” Nozzer explained, “No more pain just pleasure.”

“In your fucking dreams mate you’re tearing me in half!” she replied but the pain was subsiding.

Actually it was starting to feel quite nice, Annie warmed to the idea, she opened her eyes, to be honest Nozzer didn’t look quite as ugly, she could get used to this she decided.

“Oh that feels so nice,” she cooed.

“Not bad is it?” Nozzer agreed and he promptly shot his load.

Annalise wasn’t expecting it, what with never having it before and that. All that love juice shot up inside her, “What the fuck’s going on.” she asked.

“Just shot me load darling,” Nozzer explained, “Oh fuck I’m kn ackered.”

“Is that it?” Analise enquired.

“Till I’e had a kip and a feed,” Nozzer agreed, “Then game on round two.”

“In your dreams,” she replied, “Anyway we have to tell Daddy we’re engaged.”

Too late Nozzer sensed the trap, “Engaged? I’m just letting you kip here?”

“Oh you heartless fucking beast,” she wailed putting on a decent display of Nile Crocodile tears, “Professing that you love me only to cast me aside as soon as you’ve slimed me.”

“Nice one,” I suppose next off you’ll be telling Daddy I fucking forced you?”

“Err,” Analise stalled realising she’d been rumbled.

“Well rustle up a half decent Dowry and I’ll fucking marry you,” Nozzer offered.

“Dick head, that’s why I was a VV, Dad’s too skint to pay a decent dowry,” Annie replied.

“Oh well let’s see what he’s offering,” Nozzer offered, “On the other hand lets not, I got another stiffy. On your back wench, it’s your lucky day!”
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