No raw action. Just an amusing short story about mischief in a quiet English village.
LIFE IN THE ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE
Just because it's a quiet village, it doesn't mean that nothing underhanded ever happens.
……..
Frank and Vera bought a thatched-roof cottage on the edge a small English village, surrounded by miles of green fields. Their next door neighbours were Tom and Alice who’d lived in the village for years.
Frank had reached senior management, and their two fully grown children had flown the coop long ago. Vera was lonely sometimes, especially with Frank’s long days at work and the occasional night away, but over the 18 months since they’d bought the house, she’d diverted her unused energy to the large back garden, transforming it into a botanical rainbow.
Tom and Alice were almost twenty five years older, and after a few years in retirement, had settled into a home-based regular routine.
Frank liked his neighbours. They were quiet and had kept mostly to themselves during winter, except for when Tom popped around seeking a hand with some chore at the weekend, or visa-versa if needs ever arose.
Then as spring became summer, Frank would spend most Sunday afternoons with Tom in his shed, often doing nothing much more than sharing a few beers and talking their life-story men-talk.
Tom had been a hard working dairyman and ‘tough-as-old-boots’ farm labourer most of his life, and Frank had been a ‘ suit-and-tie’ salesman of one sort or another, so their vastly different worlds led to some amusing and enthralling tall stories.
Alice was the quintessential old fusspot, but she and Vera had spent lots of girly-talk kitchen time together, and Frank appreciated the resulting fine country-style cooking.
One day, Vera asked old Alice to clear up a mystery which had been bugging her for quite a while.
“Why do you sometimes call Tom ‘deedee’, is that like a nickname or something?”
Alice had laughed and whispered the secret out of the side of her mouth.
“It’s our little code for when I’m feeling frisky and to give him fair warning… that tonight he’ll be growing a donkey-dick. But it’s all for me, so don’t you be getting any fancy ideas, mind.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” replied Vera, astonished and intrigued, but after, found that sometimes she did.
…….
Then, one sad day near the end of that summer, Alice keeled over and died.
Almost everyone in the village attended the funeral, commiserating Tom on his heartbreaking loss.
“Seventy two,” Tom bemoaned to Frank at the wake. “I thought she’d outlast us all.”
……….
The next day, with Frank at work, Vera decided she’d better pop next door and check on old Tom. It would probably be the first day he’s been on his own for years, she surmised. She didn’t want him to do anything stupid.
“I’m gonna miss the old girl,“ Tom lamented, “not having a woman around the house. And then being on me own at nights, that’s gonna be the worst part,” he continued. “Anyway, I was thinking, you could look through her clothes and see if there’s summat you’d like. Not gonna be any use to me no more.”
Vera hesitated. It didn’t seem right, so soon after she’d gone.
“Go, on, have a good look through. There’s nowt for me there now. I’ll be taking the lot down the church for the harvest festival fete next week, so you may’s well grab summat for free instead of paying.”
So as not to upset Tom’s insistence, Vera goes for a rummage through the wardrobe in the bedroom and picks out a couple of nice frocks. Then she eyes up the bedside cabinet. She hesitates for quite a long moment. She knows what she keeps hidden in her bedside cabinet, and would hate someone else to find out.
“Nah, she was seventy two for goodness sake. What am I thinking?” Vera says to herself before she commences to rummage around.
There was an ornate jewellery box on top of the night-stand, but she left that well alone. She rifled through the four drawers of underwear and intimates, but there was nothing of modern-style or of use. In amongst a drawer of make-up and cream lotions, she stumbled across a large old-fashioned tin jar.
“Mmmm” Vera mused to herself. “I wonder what she keeps in here?”
She unscrewed the lid and noseyed inside. It was three-quarters full with hundreds of little blue pills.
……
“What d’y recon these are Tom? If they’re dangerous you shouldn’t have them hanging around,” she poses as she returns down stairs with the jar, showing Tom the contents as he sits in his recliner.
“Ahhh,” says Tom like it’s a eureka revelation, “that’s where she’s kept ‘em hidden all this time.”
“S’cuse? She been hiding things from you?” Vera asked, almost in jest. At least Alice wouldn’t be receiving a punishment for her crime.
“They’s them there vitalagra things. I wondered where she kept ‘em. I might have thrown them out if I’d known.”
“Why, what did she do? At your time of life you’re entitled to use a bit of a boost.” Vera’s curiosity getting the better of her. Her old friend had some intriguing secrets.
“I wouldn’t touch ‘em meself, but every now and again the crafty old bat would sneak one into me mashed potatoes, I’m sure of it.”
“Well maybe she wanted a fun night,” Vera says with a little chuckle to herself.
“Nay, lass, tha’ dunt understand. She could’ve had a fun night anytime she wanted. I’m seventy two, not ninety two.”
Vera silently conceded his point. She’d always admired his rugged and work-hardened frame.
“Then why the …… ? “ This really had piqued Vera’s interest.
“Well, ever since she got over her hysterectomy, she could … nay lass, I shouldn’t be telling you this.”
“Aww, come on Tom, you’ve started now. She’s not gonna get embarrassed now, is she?”
“All right, I’ll tell ye, but make sure it don’t go no further, mind.”
“You’re secret’s safe with me Tom, honest.”
“Well it was only after her hysterectomy that she could take me proper, see? We used to manage before, but I was always …..” Tom stopped, almost embarrassed.
“Go on, I’m listening.” This was getting more interesting by the word.
“Well, the old boy was always squishy, see. It must’ve taken too much to fill him up. But that suited Alice just fine because, you know, we were kind of …. err… what’s the word …. compatible. Anyways, after her hysterectomy she realised there was much more room for, you know, for things.”
“Go on,” said Vera …. This was getting very, very interesting.
“So the dozy old bat ordered some of them there pills on that there on-line thingy. Don’t ask me, I know nowt about it. Anyway she swears she only ordered fifty, but a box of a five hundred turns up. Well, anyways, we tries one and I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life, and swore I’d never take one again. I thought I’d grown a third leg. Anyways, Alice loved it, and I’m sure she’s kept slipping one into me spuds every now and again. I’d never take one meself, ‘cos to get like that is just so … it’s not normal. And the only way to get rid was to let Alice get on, and even with all her huffing and puffing and jiggling about, it still used to take ages to go away.”
“Oh,” said Vera, the exclamation coming from her bright red flushed face. She’d never heard a story quite like it.
Then old Tom started chuckling to himself.
“What?” asked Vera, hoping there may be more story, and wanting a share of the joke.
“Frank seen it one day, did he ever tell ye?”
“No,” said Vera, almost in a squawk, the alarm in her voice not lost on Tom.
“Nay, lass, it weren’t nowt like that. We were round the back of the shed taking a leak, you know, all them beers and such, when he sees the old boy as I’m shaking it dry. He asked if I’d stolen it off one of me old bulls, so I gave it wave to show him it wasn’t quite that big, but he said it must’ve been not much far off. We had a right old laugh.”
“Oh,” said Vera as she feels herself flushing even more red.
“Then your Frank said summat odd. He said I should’ve been in the movies. I just shook me head. I can’t imagine me being in Hollywood with all them fancy actors. Best stick with me old herd, I said.”
“Probably for the best,” said Vera, her flush spreading downwards, and deciding she’d heard far too much for one day. “So what do you want to do with the pills now then, Tom?”
“Tha may’s well chuck ‘em out, lass. Can’t sees how they gonna be any good to me. Unless tha wants to slip one into Frank’s spuds every now and again?” Tom says with a laugh.
“I’d best probably flush them down the toilet,” concedes Vera, knowing she would be doing no such thing.
“Good idea,” agrees Tom.
………………
That evening when Frank gets home, Vera has some interesting news.
“I’m a bit worried about Tom now he’s on his own,” she says to Frank. “I think he might not eat properly, ‘cos Alice always did say he was a useless cook.
“You ought to cook up a bit extra sometimes, and pop a plate around in the evening.”
“I could do that when you’re away for the night. Give me a bit of company for the evening for a while. But it seems awfully late in the day. I might sometimes pop around at lunchtimes.”
“Yes, whatever you like dear. I’m sure the old boy would appreciate it.”
“And it’s not like it’ll cost too much. I could start growing our own veg and potatoes.”
“Sounds good to me. You’re in charge of the garden, so go ahead and do whatever you like.”
“And talking of going round to Tom’s ….. I was around there today, you know, checking he was ok and having a chat, and for some reason I came down with a big red flush and thought I was going to faint. My menopause is getting really unpredictable these days. I really think I should go ask for a hysterectomy.”
“Well if you’re gonna have one, get in quick, ‘cos I’ve been told I’ll probably be promoted to director in a three or four months, and I won’t have time to play nurse. It’ll mean I can retire early like we’ve always planed, but for the next two or three years I’ll be working a lot harder and almost certainly be spending many more nights away from home.”
“Oh, that will be great …. about your promotion and taking early retirement, I mean.”
Frank looks across at Vera, his gaze burning deep into her eyes, and said the words she feared he would say,
“I know my promotion will mean you’ll be on your own a lot more and you’ll only have old Tom for company if you need. But you said it yourself, he’ll be missing his Alice, so I’m sure he’d welcome you popping around from time to time. And hey, it would be a good chance to repay all those secret country recipes you learnt from Alice by inviting him around here for dinner sometimes. Winter is coming, so I bet he’d appreciate you serving up a delicious, steamy hot-pot. And if we have a Sunday roast you could save some for mid-week, ‘cos you know these farmer-types like a fine cut of meat. Look, I know it’s gonna be tough with me being away and it’s asking a lot, but it’ll be for both our benefit in the long run. You can see what I’m saying, can’t you, Vera?”
Vera swallowed a big gulp of air, realising full well what he’d been saying, without knowing the whole vitalagra side story. Then as her blank stare planed a whole field of potatoes, another flush bloomed, causing a mini convulsion and shiver. She knew this genie would never go back in its bottle, so decided to not even try. She quietly replied back to her husband,
“You being away a lot could give rise to some unexpected challenges, but I’m sure I’ll get used to it. And I’ll get in for that hysterectomy as soon as I can, ‘cos it looks like I’m definitely gonna need one.”
And even as she’s speaking, yet another hot flush strikes, and she gasps out loud,