| 2013-10-17 23:41:24 |
Panties for Sale? Chapter 1
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excellent story, very imaginative and vivid images. |
| 2013-10-20 11:41:14 |
Nursing Mr Peters
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It would have been a better cuckold story if the asshole employer, Mr. Peters, had a trophy wife and you had seduced her behind his back. There is no fun in going after the poor gardener's wife. You started out with the set up for a good story, but it took a disappointing turn. |
| 2013-10-20 11:52:50 |
My Sister Kimmy
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the narration of story switches from first to third person and from past to present tense. You should read through it, aloud if that helps, before publishing, to see how these shifts in narration detract from the story. At the start of the story, the parents are strict Christians who are appalled at the daughter dressing in a slutty way and by the end the parents are fucking her, but there is no explanation for why the parents change. Are they drugged? The story doesn't develop in any way that makes any sense. |
| 2013-10-24 11:49:21 |
My adven... my words
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you list it as fantasy, but it comes across as a true story, quite realistic the way the husband accuses the wife of cheating when he's the one who is fooling around, and the encounter with the co-worker, Ritchie, looked just the way it would play out. Well-written. Your breasts seem quite real, as well, making the reader want to reach out a squeeze and taste them. |
| 2013-10-24 11:55:28 |
The First Time Part (one)
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The sex scene is good, so congratulations on that. You can write. What it lacks, though, is a story. You need to set up the scene. Let us know who is talking, who the object of his desire is. Create some tension, some plot, character, and then the sex will be much more exciting. |