Here is how 2020 has changed my life, for better or worse
Welcome back everyone and good morning, good day and good evening around the globe!
I felt a little strange before my first get-together with Matze in absence of Nadine on the next Tuesday. Not that I was nervous or anything, I mean we had known each other for years now. It was just this sense you sometimes get, this feeling that something has happened before but not in a déja-vu kind of way. It's hard for me to explain this right in English and maybe this even is a personal thing of mine but don't you sometimes get this situation in your life when something happens and you think you have dreamed about it before? I mean, not in a way like you fantasize about it and want it to become true, not day dreaming, but you actually believe that you have had a dream when you were younger and now you remember it and see those things again happening in reality ?
Anyway he arrived at my place around 1PM. We hugged like we always did for greetings and chattet a little about what was going on in our lives. I told him about my appointments with the Arbeitsamt (which best translates to labor bureau I think). My responsible official had put me into a procedure were I needed to "learn" how to write a curriculum vitae and how best to "act" in job interviews. Not that I would be invited to any of those with the pandemic dragging on.
Honestly this is just some kind of scheme by the government were they force you to be physically present at some location at a specific time to weed out the more undisciplined unemployed and cut their monthly payments. I don't have a problem with this per se, but I hate to be forced to do things that just waste my time and where I am sitting around bored to death.
He told me about the time when he had been unemployed some years back himself, directly after his military service in the Bundeswehr and before he got into his first job at the Airport in Frankfurt. This drew a remark from me that I felt sorry for him having to waste his time on compulsory military service before it was abolished. Like I had to waste my time now at the Arbeitsamt.
I had heard that he had served from Nadine, when she told me about it at the beginning of their relationship. It had been a peculiar thing, since most men in Germany would not be doing it any more even before compulsory military service was abolished in 2011. It had become very easy to get exempted due to medical reasons back in the day and if that failed, the vast majority would opt to do the alternative civilian service instead.
I had known this about him in the back of my head, but we had never actually talked about it in the years afterwards. It was kind of intriguing to do so now. The military in Germany doesn't hold much influence over our society and normally when people talk about the Bundeswehr it's in a very condescending way. Like how useless it is to still spend money on an army when you have nothing but friendly neighbors around you and how stupid the people are who join the military service in modern times. As you can guess by my remark earlier I tended to agree with this notion, just because I am rather left-wing liberal in my political views. However as we talked and talked I have to admit that it impressed me as he was going on about how this time had made him a better person and what it had taught him about duty and what people can accomplish when they work together for a common goal.
In the end it led to joking remarks from me about how good it was to have him around in case of the next zombie apocalypse, being the only one in our group who would actually know how to shoot. This opened the way to more familiar ground of Horror movies. It went on like this for hours and we always found new topics to talk about.
Finally he remembered that we had actually met to watch DS9 and we did the first episode in the evening before he went home to Nadine.
This had been a great day and I felt lightheartedly for the first time in weeks. Our time together had made me forget about Corona and my worries about running out of money before I found a new job. I fell asleep that night looking forward to doing this again on Thursday.
The two of us met regularly all through April and May. We kept talking for hours at times about pretty much everything. Our dreams about the future, our regrets about the past and I felt we were growing more closer together than we had ever been before. I would not yet admit it to myself then but I had fallen in love with Nadine's husband. I have had crushes on guys before, of course, daydreaming about how it would be to have a relationship with those boys and men.
This was different. For the first time this was not just a fantasy with no means of becoming true, I was having the real thing . There was a man in my home whom I did everything with I imagined couples would do. We cooked together (well to be honest he did most of the cooking, I am horrible at it), we fooled around, played games, we watched our series and got drunk together. Well not everything couples would do quite yet, we did not make out and we did not have sex. On the other hand I was having lots of sex with myself.
Those two and a half months until early June may well be the masturbational peak of my life. You might have guessed already and I also knew from girl talk with my friends that I am normally not what you would call a sexual active person. I can go on for weeks or even months without feeling the need to touch me. When I pleasure myself without watching porn or reading sex stories, I never fantasize about people having sex with me. I always invent characters whom I then watch living out my fantasies. Most of the time I have this innocent, inexperienced girl who gets seduced by her much older boss or professor. Sometimes my fantasies get violent. Like, I have this young, slutty Hartz 4 woman (This is what we call long term unemployed people in Germany or people who have never worked and just live of state welfare) who always dresses in a teasing way, wearing short skirts and tight clothes attracting the unwanted attention of some criminal clans members who then abduct, rape and humilitae her. I guess I am just weird like that.
With Matze it was different. While I was rubbing myself off and dildoing my pussy alone in bed after he went home ( sometimes I immediately started when we had hugged and kissed ourselves goodby and I had closed the entrance door behind him), I was thinking about how it would be to have him beside me and inside me, how his hands would feel on my skin and his tongue in my mouth.
In the beginning I tried to justify my feelings and tell myself that it was not that bad. I had a crush on him and it would go away, everything would be like it had always been between him, Nadine and me. But then I realized I got jealous when the three of us were hanging out together. As I have written earlier on Tuesday we were usually meeting at my place and on Thursdays I cycled over to their apartment. We met at around noon and stayed together until the late hours of the evening. Nadine would normally return from work at around 7PM, sometimes she would watch an episode of DS9 with us, chatting a little about whats going on before retreating to relax for herself. Sometimes she would stay with us for the remainder of the night cuddling under the blanket with her husband, kissing him. I absolutely detested it and tried to concentrate on the running episode but it felt like someone was poking a needle through my heart.
The next thing I am especially not proud of. In June I started to fantasize about how it would be like if Nadine was dead. Sometimes it would be a sudden accident and she got run over by a truck on her way home from the office, sometimes she would be diagnosed with cancer and die within weeks, were I stayed by her side until the end together with Matze. But, and this is a horrible thing to confess, I also dreamed about killing her myself. I really made plans in my mind how I could lure her into dangerous situations to murder her and make it look like an accident. In any of those fantasies, after her death, Matze was heartbroken and I was there for him, consoling him and bringing him back to live with my love until he realized that he, too, had always loved me without being able to admit it.
I realized, that I was starting to lose my mind. It could not continue like this any longer. I made the decicion to talk with Nadine about the feelings I was having. She was my best friend after all and we were used to talk about our problems and sharing our secrets with each other. First I texted Matze, telling him that I felt a little sick and it would be better if we didn't meet today. Then I asked Nadine if she had time to meet me later that week, alone.
It appeared that she was having a busy schedule. At the weekend she would be visiting her parents in Aachen, which is on the other side of the country. She had not seen them since February, when this whole health crisis started and since things were slowly beginning to lighten up during the summer she wanted to take the chance. For the rest of the weekdays she would have to put in some overtime for an upcoming project, but she offered to meet me right away during her lunch break.
I hopped on my bike and cycled to the Museumsinsel, a small plot of land the River Spree is washing around, with a beautiful church on it in the middle of a neat little park. We had often met there before since it was close to the government agency she worked for. I had rehearsed what I was going to say and how I would confess to her about my feelings for her husband. I visualized how we would then laugh about it together, hug, and everything would be okay again afterwards. But when she arrived, for the life of me I could not bring myself to talk with her about what was really going on inside me. I got so stressed out, I started crying. She took me in her arms, comforting me like the good friend she is, listening to my evasive lies how I was so pressured by being out of a job for so long.
I went on about how my life was such a failure in every regard. How I not had been able to unfold the potential my university degree offered me like she had done. How the only thing which I had going in my favor and had taken for granted, my health, was now threatened and put in question by this global pandemic as well. Everything was just getting too much.
She did her best to lighten me up. Said that I had to look on the bright side, that I was so good at making people happy, that I was a quick learner intelligent and kind. She was certain, that when things returned back to normal I would be able to find a job in no time. She offered to help me out with money as well if things were getting too tough. Inside I felt disgusted with myself for being unable to open up to her and get to the core of what was really going on inside me.
As I was returning home later that day, I saw that Matze had replied to my message.
"Hey Jennifer, werd schnell wieder gesund, liebe dich" ( Hope you get well soon, love you)." He finished the message with a kissing smiley. I know it was just meant as a kind encouragement but at the same time this had been the first time that he told me he was in love with me. First I cried for an hour or so, but this time it were tears of happiness streaming down my cheeks. After that I masturbated the whole night until the sun came up the next morning and I literally dropped unconscious from exhaustion.