Tommy drops his trousers and they has a big bang on a railway locomotive (Humour)
ITommy Ainsgarth gets buggered on t'engine
It were a dark November night in Yorkshire. Nineteen Thirty something. It weren’t raining for once. Nor freezing neither. Nor fog. Lights of Grisegarth Signal box on t' London and North Eastern Railway could be seen for miles.
Passenger train come past, headed for Grimsby, engine were off beat a bit. It were an old ‘un built be Beyers at Manchester for Lincolnshire and Yorkshire Railway. Four big driving wheels as big as a man and four little 'uns out front. Over thirty year old, losing time but nowt they couldn’t mek up wi a bit o’speeding a bit over Ellerbeck viaduct and junction beyond.
Next along were Immingham goods. On footplate were young Tommy Aisgarth. He were real excited, officially like as he were engine cleaner, but he’s done exams for fireman and it were his first time out firing engine on long trip, He had been on shunting engines many times after having reached eighteen the age for working on engine footplate, but this were real thing.
Ted Moresely were driving, fat ugly pot bellied bloke, near as fat as he were tall, too bloody fat to get under engine to oil round proper like.
He were pissed off, he usually drove a big B5 class loco, built by George Robinson in 1922 but today he had a near new J39, a smaller cheaper engine built be Herbert Gresley what weren’t really up to job so they shortened train to 40 wagon, 600 tons.
It were maximum load for J39 and Tommy had to work like a trojan, shovelling coal trying to keep up steam. He were sweating buckets, he stripped off his Jacket and then his shirt as he shovelled coal inexpertly into the ravenous firebox of the loco. Ted kept the regulator half open and the valves in full gear to make Tommy sweat. He could have saved half the coal if he’d pulled up up and opened regulator but he were a sadistic sod.
The banged and crashed up through Grisegarth and past Moresby top to summit box, all signals off and only two minutes down with water bobbing in the bottom nut of gauge glass, Ted shut regulator and shouted for Tommy to put live steam injector on to fill boiler.
Engine began to pick up speed, Tommy went to put tea can on firing plate for a brew.
“Plenty of time for that lad,” Ted says, “Time for a bit of fun.”
“Fun Ted?” Tommy asked.
“Fun, get thee pants down I wan’t to bugger thee,” Ted laughed.
“Bloody hell, bugger me, I mean not bugger me but don’t bugger me like.” Tommy blustered.
“Look lad, on footplate Driver’s in charge and I’m Driver reet?” Ted explained, “And I fancies ramming me cock up thee’s ass, not that I ent queer nor nothing, just that wanking meks thee blind and I’d rather spend cash on beer than on’t ‘ores.
“I dunno Ted,” Tommy says, “I ent ad a wench let alone be buggered.”
“You refusing an order from thee driver?” Ted asks, “Sacking offense is that.”
“Now hang on!” Tommy proested, “Buggery’s bloody illegal!”
“I’ll tell they as thee let water down and never looked out for signals, told I to get stuffed and made I shovel coal as thee were too knackered to do on’t.” Ted warned.
“Thee’s a nasty bugger,” says Tommy as train picked up speed down bank, “But I ‘ant no choice ‘as I.”
Well loco were blowing off steam and water were coming up in glass so Tommy opened fire doors to cool .
“Come on don’t bugger about," Ted insisted
Reluctantly Tommy undid his belt and slipped his pants down.
Ted smirked “Brace thee self agin the backplate,” he chuckled.
“It’s bloody red hot!” Tommy protested.
“Bugger, bloody Gresley, bloody GC engines has them lagged,” Ted cursed, “Hang on to bloody water scoop instead.
Tommy stood wi his breeks around his ankles gripping on to water scoop wheel while Ted eased hs braces off of his sholders and dropped his coveralls to reveal a short fat ugly cock barely poking out as far as his fat gut.
Ted wobbled as he aimed hs cock at Tommy’s ass but missed half a dozen times when suddely wallop.
Teds cock pressed an inch into Tommy’s tight ass hole as the engine stopped pretty near dead.
There was a fearsome crashing of busted wood and metal engine reared up at back end and Ted and Tommy was flung against the boiler.
Tommy was stunned, he thought it was the shock of his ass hole busting but then Ted was screaming and there was coal off the tender and busted wood all around. Tommy were stunned but he dragged his pants back up and staggered around trying to make sense of it.
There were broken bits of carriages all round.
“Bugger me Ted we hit summat!” Tommy says.
“Agghhhhhh!” Ted screamed. Tommy couldn’t see Ted.
“What’s going off?” Tommy asked.
“Agghhhhhhh!” Ted screamed again.
Tommy reached for the fire door lever to open ‘em up so as he could see. The lever was jammed but ith the open position. He coldn’t understand it so he grabbed the water gauge lamp.
“Arrrgghhhh!” screamed Ted.
Tommy shone the light. There were Ted wi his ass speared by the knob on the firebox door lever and all the skin burned off of his bum. Tommy felt sick and wanted to laugh at the same time.
“I go to signal box for rule 55!” he offered and he jumped down off of engine and headed for box.
Turned out express engne had rolled bad on Muncaster Viaduct and derailed tender, Vacuum brake had stopped it and goods had run through five signals before hitting express up the ass.
Ted were probably dead afore anyone bohered wi him. His ass were burned right away to the bone and he rest of him roasted though his boots were alright and his cap and pocket watch.
“By eck tha’s a lucky chap,” said signalman as Tommy walked up steps to box.
“How d’yuo mean?” Tommy asked.
“Walking away from tha’crash,” he replied.
“Aye, hardly a scratch,” Tommy agreed.
“And thee driver?” signalman asked.
“He was screaming a bit but he shut up now, priority is rule 55 ent it,” Tommy replied.
“Tha’ll mek a fine railwayman, have a brew and go back and if he’s dead nick his watch before some other bugger does.”
“Tha’s a callous bugger,” Tommy replied.
“Not if driver were one Ted Moresely,” Signalman explained, “Bastard said I put signals back agin him when he ran right through em, too busy buggering his fireman, has he buggered you an all?”
“No thee bloody can’t,” Signalman said but it were too late Tommy had door open.
Poor Tommy never seen a lad porter in a uniform jacket and nowt else except for stockings and suspenders afore. So he fainted.
He was in waiting room at the station when he woke up. Stationmaster were shaking him, “Eh no slacking.”
“I just had a bang,” Tommy explained.
“What, wi Doris from refreshment room?” Inspector asked.
“Nay we run into ass of Passenger.” Tommy says.
“Well go and relieve passenger fireman, he banged his head, they’re going on wi half train.” he explained.
Tommy climbed onto passenger engine, Sid Hancock were driver.
“Eye up thee all reet lad?” he asked.
“Aye, Bloody Ted tried to bugger I and ne’er kept a look out,” Tommy says.
“Shoud have waited ‘till lodge at Immingham,” he laughed, “Still stick wi I and I’ll see thee right.”
Tommy had no trouble wi engine and Sid took him to lodge, “We usually shares double bed drier and fireman together,” says driver, “But I pays extra.”
“What for a single room?” asks Tommy.
“Nay lad for a tart,” he laughed.
Poor Tommy, he had to kip on floor. Landlady showed them to room. She were a widder, maybe forty year old, fat as a pig, then instead of buggering off while they turned in she stripped off and led on bed while Sid shagged her.
“You want a poke lad, I paid her for whole night?” Sid asked.
“No thanks,” says Tommy.
“Look why be a gooseberry, sod off and keep our Dolores company why don’t you?” Landlady suggested.
Dolores were Landladies daugher, she were at Grimsby college learning hospitality.
Her tits were straining the seams on her cardigan, her lips were like rubies, her eyes were like, well eyes, one were blue and the other weren’t, her hair was pure gold wi black roots, her thighs were summat else and her face, had all the right bits and well thee don’t have to look at it when you’re close up do thee.
“I’m Dolly,” says Dolores.
“Hello Dolly,” says Tommy.
“Comedian eh?” she says.
“Nay fireman,” says Tommy.
“Got a girlfriend?” says Dolly.
“Nay,” says Tommy.
“Been buggered?” she asked.
“No!” says he.
“Good, I’m doing Hospitality degree,” says Dolly, “Maybe you can help me wi me homework?”
“I don’t know,” says Tommy.
“I got exams on week after next and I still ‘ant sucked a bloke off yet,”
“What?” Tommy demanded.
“I wants to be a Hoo er and you has to be certified to want to be a hoo er,” she said, “Least aways that’s what me da says.”
“Bin Fucked?” Tommy asked.
“No that’s final term,” Dolly explained.
“All reet, I lend thee me cock for blow job,” Tommy says as he dropped his breeches.
“Ooooh its so big!” Dolly says. “They told me to say that no matter how big it is,” she admitted.
“Belt up and wrap thee laughing tackle round it,” Tommy says all manly like.
“Not if you’re going to be rude,” Dolly says as she grasped his tool firmly.
“Oh fuck!” says Tommy as he shot his load, luckily it missed her dress and cardigan and splattered onto her neck.
“You’re fucking useless,” she opined. Poor Tommy. He ended up kipping in corridor.
Next day Tommy had to go home be way of Doncaster on account of line being blocked and he had to report to shedmaster to explain why he hadn’t kept a proper look out.
“I had trouble wi injector see,” he explained, “These Gresley engines are rubbish.”
“And thee driver?” he asked. Now Tommy weren’t sort of bloke to dob any bugger in so he says, “Having a shit on me shovel while I worked on injector.”
“Trying to bugger thee more like,” Inspector replied, “Ah well he won’t be buggering any bugger any time soon, all skins burned off his ass and that firebox door handle.”
“Went up his ass,” Tommy said all innocent like.
“Did it heck as like,” said Inspector, “It went in all reet but it missed his ass hole, fact is he got two ass holes now.”
“No, you’re joking!” Tommy gasped.
“Fucking surgeon at Railway Hospital hated the fat fucker so he made wound into second ass hole,” the inspector laughed, “He told Ted he coud have new career in Circus as the man we two asses!”
“Bloody hell,” says Tommy, “I suppose he would rather have two cocks?” he suggested.
“Not that bugger!” Inspector added.
Tommy was fascinated be Doncaster works, he saw engine with coach connection on Tender, “What’s that for?” he asked.
“So driver can get a pint from buffet car when he’s parched,” Inspector told him.
As lick would have it Ted got septicaemia and died, poor bugger ‘adn’t no one, no family or nowt so he has a paupers funeral and the union paid for undertakers and for the best second hand coffin pawn brokers had in stock out of members subs.
Funeral day and four blokes took some screws and made sure the lid wasn’t coming off any time soon before they carried it in to church and set the coffin down, then when service started. Priest asked Tommy to say a few words, being as he was Ted’s last mate.
“I couldn’t stick Ted. Ted were an ugly fat lazy bugger, a bloody liar and a shit mate. He neber oiled his engine proper nor nothin’ He died ‘cause he neglected his dooty to kip a look out. I remember him when we had crash “Arrrrgghhhhhhhhhhhh,” he said wi’ his trousers down and his ass jammed on firehole door lever knob.” A great belly laugh came from the half dozen or so blokes what botheredbto turn up. “I never liked him, no one I know liked him, and I’m bloody glad he’s dead.”
“Amen!” said someone, “Amen, well said lad!” and they all clapped.
Afterwards Vicar had a quiet word wi Tommy, “I knows we says to always be honest,” Vicar said, “But in twenty years I never heard such an honest eulogy spoken.”
Tommy hadn’t the slightest idea what he were on about. But when he got older he realised one thing, when it comes to buggery its better to give than receive.
And Dolly? She failed the exams and had to move to London as they has lower standards for Hoo ers than us do in Yorkshire.